Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
respect
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.