Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Roses are red
Violets are blue