Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Buddy just texted me that I should’ve passed him the ball in a lacrosse game that happened in 2019

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.