Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
they really do be looking like this
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”