Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

on da cob, we all corn

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.