Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Spider-cat: No One Home

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Comparing yourself to others

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Tastes like chicken.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u