Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Discuss
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back