me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
bury ourselves
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
prepare for carbonated trouble
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.