me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Every time.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Always the camel, never the toe.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier