Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
You Might Also Like
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
that de-escalated quickly
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.