Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff