me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[eulogy]
line?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking