me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Ironic
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
orange cat behavior
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.