Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time