Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Geez man, take it easy.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

calling in to work dehydrated

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*