Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
DOOO EEEET
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are