Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Left at a local drug store…
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”