Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

I feel seen.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.