Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Beware of the “party goblin”…
