Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it