Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Sunday
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
