Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”