Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie