Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Hot Hot Hot

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious