Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
You Might Also Like
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke