Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”