Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa