Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

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Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.


*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*


I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.


[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open


Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.


*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?


*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head


Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.