Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I dig my own Grave.
Adds Inter-ior designer to Resume.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background
Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.