Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]