Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated