Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal