[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty


– buys ingredients for meals 1&2 to use up all parmesan cheese
– cooks meal 1
– eats leftover parm straight out of the bag, needs more cheese
– buys parm for meal 2
– cooks meal 2, has left over parm, gets ingredients for meal 3
– eats leftover parm straight out of the bag
– …


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.


1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping


Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread


Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?


If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.


“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”


Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most