Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM