@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@InternalJane

– buys ingredients for meals 1&2 to use up all parmesan cheese
– cooks meal 1
– eats leftover parm straight out of the bag, needs more cheese
– buys parm for meal 2
– cooks meal 2, has left over parm, gets ingredients for meal 3
– eats leftover parm straight out of the bag
– …

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@Amburglar_

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

@CoatCzech

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@nyquills

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

@PoblicMenace

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@roastmalone_

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most