[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.