[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…


Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.


OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here


[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above



Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple


Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.


WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one


Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.