Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:
1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat
*uptown funk comes on*
Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding
Honey: lol I’m made by bees
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably