Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I made something perfect today
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*
The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple
Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”