@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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@dxblarssonENG

Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat

@captainkalvis

*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@JElvisWeinstein

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

@SweetTweetsBRO

I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.

@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably