@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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@garrettbarry70

Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.

@Kirangandhi

911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man

@AllieGoertz

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

@LeslieInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@M_Hedberg

People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM