[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat


*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees


You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.


White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”


They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”


I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.


[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands


protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?


You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably