Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.