Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas