Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.