Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target