Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks