Me trying to look natural in photos
You Might Also Like
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Body by burrito
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.