Me trying to look natural in photos
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No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!