Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
You Might Also Like
We need it on priority
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
why isn’t he texting back
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away