Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
u spoke cat all this time??????
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”