Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Not recommended for beginners.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*