Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
You Might Also Like
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
