Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
