Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.