me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Finally!
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays