me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Chicago sounds lovely.
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.