Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Cause of death: Zumba

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.