Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic