Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again