Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.