Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.