me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
What do you text your spouse?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer