me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Sing it!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Wasps: bees, but not helping
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?