Me trying to reach for my goals
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5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Squirrels before girls.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Pretty much! 😂👀
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.