Me trying to reach for my goals
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John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Smooooooth
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.