Me trying to reach for my goals
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire