ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup