ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.