Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

mood

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”