[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I feel it
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision