Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up