[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
in the ocean
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.