[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*