Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀