Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

can I use a minion as a tampon

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem