Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
You Might Also Like
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
i now pronounce you bounced.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
aesthetic
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today