Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Rt to bother an English speaker
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.