Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*