Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

I can’t be the only one 😂

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.