Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Breaking news:
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets