me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum