Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

this has done me in for some reason

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.