Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.