Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

seems like a niche market

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.