me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.