Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

not seeing the problem

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.