Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

no one likes gloating

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits