Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
🤣😂🤣😂
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.