Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Think I pulled my liver
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.