Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
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Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Just added something to my bucket list.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too