Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Breaking news:
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?