Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Always the vampires
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door