Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

British people

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.