Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

mechanics be like

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok