Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

I put the h in mysterious.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

I have taken up painting

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?