Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!